Me llegó un correo electrónico en donde me dicen que la vacante que quería ya está ocupada y en donde (como es costumbre) me dan las gracias por haber participado.
Yo siempre he pensado que en la vida las victorias te dan confianza y la suma de ellas te va dando más y fortaleciendo la que ya tienes. De veras, llevo año y medio sin chamba y voy de derrota en derrota, si contamos que estamos inmersos en una crisis de escala global el panorama no puede ser más negro.
No sé qué hacer, digo, es lo que me gusta y para lo que estudié y no encuentro trabajo. A veces pienso que no sirvió de nada estudiar 4 años, ni todo el esfuerzo de mis padres. No cuando vivo ésto, pese a mi deseo ferviente del triunfo futuro y de los míos. Sólo un trabajo decente en 4 años, prácticas por aquí y por allá (es decir, trabajo de a gratis) y nada. Si fuera boxeador, sólo acumularía más derrotas a mi promedio, lo que me colocaría muy por abajo en el ranking mundial.
Perder es tan natural como ganar, es el riesgo al que uno se atiene en cualquier empresa, es el escenario que te da mayor aprendizaje, es muchas veces inevitable; sin embargo, perder muchas veces afecta, sobre todo cuando te empiezas a acostumbrar, cuando te sostiene y arrastra con la inseguridad producto de malas decisiones, cuando empiezas a olvidar que no todo han sido tropiezos y ves a la victoria como un espejismo en el desierto, un camino que se aleja más mientras avanzas.
Muchos dicen que hay que seguir hasta que una puerta se abra… ¿Y si no se abre ninguna?
No es que empiece/mantenga la búsqueda con este pensamiento, pero ante las experiencias pasadas no carece nada de lógica, comienzo a ver cada paso como un error, y otro, hasta que me doy cuenta que son consecutivos y el siguiente será igual. Y el camino se pone cada vez más oscuro mientras más pienso, porque después llega a mí el pensamiento de que "¿en verdad soy un inútil? ¿Realmente no serviré para esto? ¿La vez pasada fue sólo suerte?".
La única manera de acabar con esto es volviendo a ganar, no sólo en lo del trabajo, he perdido tanto y a tantos que quizá por eso ahorita soy así; en verdad no quiero que me regalen victorias, en verdad quiero merecerlas, porque soy un experto perdiendo y estoy curtido en la derrota. En verdad me gustaría que no hubiera rastro de autocompasión en este post, soy el mejor mártir de mí mismo.
En fin, si quiero tener alguna posibilidad para ganar, es indudable que el primer paso es intentarlo…
Carajo, ya no quiero seguir perdiendo.
Nos vemos en el futuro.
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